Saturday, January 29, 2011

The Kids are NOT All Right

The movie "The Kids are All Right" is coming to a theater near you soon, and the Oscar hype is already building. The movie has been nominated for Best Picture, Best Actress (Annette Benning), and Best Supporting Actor (Mark Ruffalo). The premise for those who haven't seen the trailer is this: two lesbian women (Benning and Julain Moore) use the sperm of Mark Ruffalo's character to conceive two children. They raise the kids, but then Ruffalo's character starts to come back into the kids' lives when they are teenagers, upsetting the harmony of the lesbian characters' relationship.

This post is not about homosexuality. I covered the Church's take on that elsewhere (click here to read). What this post is about is the arrrogance on the part of society today when people pretend to know how decisions affect others, especially children.

Last year as a first year theology teacher I had in my head the classes that were going to be difficult to teach; the classes that the students were going to get fired up about. In my mind, I was ready for battle on issues like evolution, contraception, and abortion. Interestingly, my seniors were pretty okay with the Church on those issues. The issue that they were most fired up about, which surprised me, was the issue of adoption of children by homosexual couples.

The mantra that has been beaten into society's brain is this - if it wasn't for homosexual couples adopting children, then orphanages would be overrun with children. People ask how it could be a bad thing for a kid without a home to at least be surrounded by two parents who love the child.

These myths about orphanages and "gay-parenting" are addressed elsewhere, and so what I'd like to look at here is the problem which is suggested by the title of the movie mentioned above - "The Kids are All Right." The title suggests the following - we are all messed up, we live in a big ambiguous and relativistic world where right and wrong are merely constructs of our culture, and some of us are gay, and some of us are straight, but we're all completely messed up, and we just hold on for dear life and try and look for the silver lining....but at least the kids are all right!

What arrogance on our part!!! Nobody thinks they are being arrogant, of course, but peel back the surface just a bit here and I hope you will see that this mindset is teeming with arrogance. The mindset that "the kids are all right" suggests that no matter what we do as a society, no matter what environment a child is placed in, no matter what type of a mess they find themselves in, kids are fine - AND I KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE. So our arrogance ascends to new heights as we now claim for ourselves omniscience - the ability to know all things that, for countless centuries, was only attributed to God.

"Kids are resilient" we tell ourselves, kids can handle whatever we throw at them, and we thus dismiss and excuse ourselves from the last thing that would tether us to some kind of moral behavior - responsibility to our children and young people. One of the many key components to this mindset is the denial of the idea that my actions affect anyone else, and so that is one of the problems that needs to be addressed. Do we think that our actions affect others, even those who may seem unaffected, like, for instance, children?

Kids are not ontologically and de facto "all right" - trust me - I work with kids - and a lot of them have serious issues that will be with them for the rest of their lives. Were some of those issues caused by hetersosexual parents - you better believe it, but the issue that I'm speaking about in this post is the fact that we believe that the kids are all right. I am certainly acknowledging that heterosexual parents sometimes also take on the mindset that "the kids are all right" as well, which is equally damaging to their children - and which is also scandalous in that the failure of heterosexual parenting is often the central argument for ALLOWING homosexual couples to adopt, and so the failure of heterosexual parenting in this regard becomes a scandal in the true sense of the word.

For a long time in this country the idea was prevalent that we sacrificed for our kids, that we protected and nurtured and raised our kids; there was an understanding that children are vulnerable and actually were in need of some guidance. Now we arrogantly presume to tell ourselves that no matter what we do or how we act - "THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT." How truly disgusting and weak and lazy on our part if that is our mindset. May the arrogance of our society dissipate and may we once again see children for what they are - in need of our help, and may we start taking responsibility for our kids again, and may we stop allowing ourselves to live whatever self-absorbed and morally untethered life-style we feel is best for us.

13 comments:

  1. Very well-said Father. If we are raising our children to accept the culture we live in as it is, we are wrong. Our role as Christian parents, and especially as Christian fathers, is to raise our children to be radically counter-cultural. To NOT accept the hedonism, materialism, nihilism and relativism that are the defining characteristics of western culture in the 21st Century. Our job is to work to change the culture to reflect the values Christ taught us to live by AND to teach our children to do the same, as difficult as this constantly is. There are entirely too many parents, Catholic and Christian parents, who fail to properly form their children to recognize the immutable truth that only marriage between one man and one woman is valid and the proper environment for nurturing children. As a result, we have Catholic High School students supporting the adoption of children by gay parents, despite the incredible harm that ultimately results to the children by these types of relationships. May Jesus grant your students the grace to open their hearts to the Church's teaching, the only teaching that will lead to true happiness.

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  2. Thank you Father. As a parent of a 5, 3, and 1 year old Its nice to read something from a priest that is geared directly at parenting. So much of my effort every moment or every day is trying to make sure that my kids are alright. Parenting is wonderful and terrifying. But society and the norms presented in pop culture are truly frightening as a parent. I want to shelter my children and guard their innocence. But at the same time we are in a culture where showering your children with possessions and television is expected. I am constantly thinking about where to draw the line. We are striving to pray the rosary daily with our children and when I share that with others they are shocked. We don't think anything of our children watching 30 minutes of mind numbing television, but making them sit for the rosary for 30 minutes is considered an oddity and a little severe. Thank you for the reminder not to allow societal norms to effect our standards for parenting or to become complacent in our duties as parents.

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  3. I just got into your blog over the last week or so (I'm a teacher and we've had a lot of snow days so I'm finding new ways to spend that extra time!) and I've really like what I've read so far. One of the first posts that I read was the Church's stance on homosexuality. I realize that this post isn't focused on that, but there is obviously a connection and I had some questions for you. In that previous post, I think from the summer, you had mentioned some things that you would never say to a person dealing with homosexual desires. But I was wondering, as a teacher and also a person who has gay friends, what would you say? Obviously, I don't intend to counsel anyone on the issue and I know there would be many conversations, but maybe you could share some of the bases or starting off points? Thanks!

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  4. Maybe the reason no one questioned the church's beliefs in your class because you are a priest and the students know that there is no way to change your mind since you have already been convinced.

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  5. To the above post, I went to a Catholic school and took a Morality class taught by a priest. The students loved this man, as I have no doubt that Fr. Hollowell's students love him. Because of the trust that was established, the students felt very comfortable asking WHAT the Church teaches and WHY. People who have a relationship with a teacher, priest, or really any other human being don't question in hopes to change that person's mind, but rather to develop themselves. In the process the other person gets to grow deeper in his own understanding.

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  6. If you read the post you would see that I said the students DID feel more than free to disagree - that was the whole point - that they got really fired up about the homosexual adoption issue. Ask anyone I teach or have taught and I think they will tell you they always feel more than comfortable disagreeing with what is said in class.

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  7. I watched this movie over the weekend. The title does little justice to the content of the movie and to the heart of the issues it appears to address: struggles within families, forgiveness, commitment, a desire for better communication, growth as a couple etc.

    I think you could swap in a heterosexual couple and still make the movie. The themes, regardless, are not appropriate for children. The parents in this movie have a genuine love of their children and an interest in facilitating an environment which allows their kids to come and speak freely about their concerns. Oscar worthy? I don't see it, personally. And typical of most movies- we are left to infer details and circumstances of their lives which are left out usually for the sake of time and money.

    One other point- I spent a couple of hours or so looking through the articles you have linked concerning same sex parenting. I think everyone needs to be careful about the sourcing of the articles. Who funds the research? What is the mission of the organization? Who conducts the research- is it peer reviewed etc. This applies to everything- not just this issue- politics, global warming, whatever. In the age of the internet, quality information is tough to come by- I mean we are not re-inventing the wheel to say the bulk is flat out garbage. Some articles labeled as scientific research tend to be laden with opinion, not facts.

    But again, being able to ask questions and create a forum where these topics can be discussed is vital and I think you do a great job of that with the content of your blog.

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  8. I won't be seeing the movie but I have no doubt that it would seem that a heterosexual couple could be substituted in for the lesbian couple - that is exactly what people pushing a redefinition of marriage and pushing homosexual adoption would WANT us to think - it doesn't really matter who one's parents are.

    I agree on the whole issue of research today. In fact, Pope Benedict and other Church leaders involved in the dialogue between science and religion have been saying for a long time that it is ridiculous to pretend that there is "pure, agenda-free scientific research." All science is done from a perspective; that doesn't make it all false or subjective, but it is done from a philosophical set of principles - every time.

    For example the Guttmacher Institute is always cited by CNN/Newsweek/MSNBC/New York Times media machine, but maybe .5% of our country is aware that the Guttmacher Institute is a branch OF PLANNED PARENTHOOD! I agree that we need to check our sources; I just wish everyone did a fair job of it.

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  9. Thank you, Father, for speaking the truth. I am in my 40's and the product of parents who pursued their own selfish interests (divorce, uncommited relationships, step siblings etc.)with the belief that "kids are resilient", "kids will adapt", etc. And truthfully I thought I was fine. It is only after becoming a parent myself and realising that I was acting with very strong emotions to things that were objectively minor problems that I began to discover the very real and deep emotional hurts I had burried in order to appear "all right" to those around me when I was a child. Thankfully, God gives light and grace to those who seek Him so I have had much healing and continue to have much hope. May God bless you!

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  10. I have worked with kids for the last 16 years. The fact that they have same sex parents do not cause problems. Divorce, sexual abuse, neglect,drug abuse etc. is what causes problems. Most of these situations occur in heterosexual marriages/families.

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  11. Very astute Observation Father ... I have 3 Children 1 from my first marriage he was raised by my 2nd Husband along with my other 2 children.. We had a happy home and my son loved his step father ... But Nothing replaces 2 loving natural parents even in the best of circumstances... My oldest is a father now of a 2 year old son and a step daughter and he called and thanked his step father for stepping up and being his Dad the joy this brought my Husband is beyond words... but to me its a painful reminder for my Son that his father didn't measure up to and I know its a heart ache for him and always will be...But he can see the difference because now he also has a dead beat Dad that breaks promises to his step daughter and has to pick up the slack ... what we do to our children is heat wrenching ...

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  12. Father, thanks for this blog. I read your stuff and I like what I read. I always thank God that you're young and healthy ...I assume you are... because of the strength, perseverance and conviction - one might as include all the gifts of the Holy Spirit - needed to preach the truth. And that you do very well.
    Keep up the good work.
    Paul Leddy
    Washington, DC

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  13. Father, thanks for you blog. I enjoy reading it and I always thank God that you're young and healthy - I assume you're healthy - because it takes strength, perseverance, a lot of energy, a bit of wisdom, pretty much all the gifts of the Holy Spirit to teach the truth, which you do quite well.
    You have to be in it for the long haul and that's what I hope for.
    God bless,
    Paul Leddy
    Washington, DC

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